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Animal Jokes

Bear Jokes:

What color socks do bears wear? (They don't wear socks, they have bear feet!) What to polar bears eat for lunch? (Ice berg-ers!) What do you call a grizzly bear caught in the rain? (A drizzly bear!) What's black and white, black and white, and black and white? (A panda bear rolling down a hill!) What is black and white and red all over? (A panda bear with a sunburn!) Why do bears have fur coats? (Because they look silly wearing jackets!) What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp? (A bear-faced lyre!)

What do you call bears with no ears? (B!) What do you call a bear with no teeth? (A gummy bear!) Why didn't the teddy bear eat his lunch? (Because he was stuffed!) What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig? (A teddy boar!) What's white, furry, and shaped like a tooth? (A molar bear!) How do teddy bears keep their den cool in summer? (They use bear conditioning!) What do teddy bears do when it rains? (They get wet!)

Bird Jokes:

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? (Because if they flew over the bay they would be called bagels!) Why does a flamingo stand on one leg? (Because if he lifted that leg off the ground he would fall down!) Where does a peacock go when it loses its tail? (A re-tail store!) Did you hear the story about the peacock? (Yes, it's a beautiful tale!) What is even smarter than a talking bird? (A spelling bee!) Why do hummingbirds hum? (Because they forgot the words!) What do you give a sick bird? (Tweetment!) Why do birds fly south for the winter? (Because it's too far to walk!) What birds are found in Portugal? Portu-geese!)

What kind of bird can carry the most weight? (The crane!) What's noisier than a whooping crane? (A trumpeting swan!) Did you hear the joke about the broken egg? (Yes, it cracked me up!) What bird is with you at every meal? (A swallow!) What bird is always sad? (The blue jay!) What do you call a bird in the winter? (Brrr-d!) Silly boy: I'd like to buy some bird seed. Clerk: How many birds do you have? Silly boy: None! I want to grow some! Knock Knock! Who's there? Kook! Kook who? Don't call me cuckoo!

Bug and Insect Jokes:

Two flies are on the porch. Which one is an actor? (The one on the screen!) What is the biggest ant in the world? (An eleph-ant!) Why was the baby ant confused? (Because all of his uncles were ants!) What do you get when you cross a sheep and a honey bee? (Bah-humbug!) How do bees get to school? (By school buzz!) Why do bees have sticky hair? (Because they have honeycombs!) What do you get when you cross a walrus with a bee? (A wallaby!) Why did the bee go to the doctor? (Because she had hives!) What do you get if you cross a centipede and a parrot? (A walkie-talkie!) How do fleas travel from place to place? (By itch-hiking!) What are caterpillars afraid of? (Doger-pillars!)

What is an insect's favorite sport? (Cricket!) Why did the kid throw the butter out the window? (To see the butter fly!) Why didn't the butterfly go to the dance? (Because it was a moth ball!) Two silk worms were in a race. Who won? (It was a tie!) What do you get if you cross a tarantula and a rose? (I'm not sure, but I wouldn't try smelling it!) Why are spiders good swimmers? (They have webbed feet!) What did the spider say when he broke his new web? (Darn it!) Why are frogs so happy? (Because they eat what bugs them!) What did one frog say to the other? (Time's sure fun when you're having flies!) Why was the mother firefly unhappy? (Because her children weren't that bright!)

Canary Jokes:

Where does a 500-pound canary sit? (Anywhere it wants!) What's yellow, weighs 1,000 pounds, and sings? (Two 500 pound canaries!) What did the 500 pound canary say? (Here Kitty, Kitty!)

What do you get if you cross a canary and a 50-foot long snake? (A sing-a-long!) Daughter: Mum, can I have a canary for Christmas? Mum: NO! You'll have turkey like everyone else.

Cat Jokes:

What is a cat's favorite color? (Purr-ple!) What is a cat's favorite song? (Three Blind Mice!) Why can't a leopard hide? (Because it's always spotted!) What's worse than raining cats and dogs? (Hailing taxis!) What kind of cats like to go bowling? (Alley cats!) What animal cheats at exams? (The cheetah!) Why do you need a license for a dog and not for a cat? (Cats can't drive!) What animals are the best pets? (Cats, because they are purr-fect!) What did the cat have for breakfast? (Mice Crispies!) What are caterpillars afraid of? (Doger-pillars!) Is it raining cats and dogs? (It's okay, as long as it doesn't rein-deer!)

Why did the lion spit out the clown? (Because he tasted funny!) What animal is bad to play games with? (A cheetah!) What happened when the lion ate the clown? (He felt funny!) Is it true that a lion won't attack if you hold a tree branch? (That depends on how fast you carry it!) What's the nickname for someone who put her right hand in the mouth of a lion? (Lefty) Why didn't the boy believe the tiger? (He thought it was a lion!) Why did the leopard wear a striped shirt? (So she wouldn't be spotted!) When is it very bad luck to see a black cat? (When you're a mouse!) Is it hard to spot a leopard? (No, they come that way!) What steps do you take if you a tiger is running towards you? (Big ones!)

Chicken Jokes:

What does a mixed-up hen lay? (Scrambled eggs!) What does an evil hen lay? (Deviled eggs!) Where do tough chickens come from? (Hard-boiled eggs!) Why did the chicken cross the road? (To get to the other side!) Why did the chewing gum cross the road? (It was stuck to the chicken's foot!) Why did the turkey cross the road? (It was the chicken's day off!) Why did the turkey cross the road twice? (To prove he wasn't chicken!) What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? (An eggroll!) A rooster laid an egg on a barn roof. Which way would it roll? (Roosters don't lay eggs, hens do!) Where do you find a chicken with no legs? (Exactly where you left it!) What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks? (Foul weather!) What do you get if you cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle and a rooster? (Cockerpoodledoo!) Chickens rise when the rooster crows, but when do ducks get up? (At the quack of dawn!)

Which side of a chicken has the most feathers? (The outside!) Why do hens lay eggs? (If they dropped them, they'd break!) How do chickens bake a cake? (From scratch!) Why can't a rooster ever get rich? (Because he works for chicken feed!) What's the most musical part of a chicken? (The drumstick!) Why did the chicken go to the seance? (To get to the other side!) What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cow? (Roost beef!) If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where does chicken come from? (A poul-tree!) What's a haunted chicken? (A poultry-geist!) What's a henway? (About 5 pounds!) Silly girl: Why does your son say, "Cluck, cluck, cluck". Mrs. Poulet: Because he thinks he's a chicken . Silly girl: Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken? Mrs. Poulet: Because we need the eggs.

Cow Jokes:

What do you get from a pampered cow? (Spoiled milk!) What do you call a cow with two legs? (Lean beef!) What do you call a cow with no legs? (Ground beef!) Where do cows go for entertainment? (To the moo-vies!) What do you get when you cross an octopus and a cow? (An animal that can milk itself!) What is a cow's favorite day? (Moo-years Day!) What did the farmer call the cow that had no milk? (An udder failure!) What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cow? (Roost beef!) What happened to the lost cattle? (Nobody's herd!) Why can't you shock cows? (They've herd it all!) Have you heard about the cow astronaut? (He landed on the moooon!)

Why did the cow cross the road? (To get to the udder side!) Why do cows wear bells? (Their horns don't work!) What do you get when you cross a cow and a goat? (A coat!) What do you call a sleeping bull? (A bull-dozer!) What do you call a grumpy cow? (Moo-dy!) What do you call cattle with a sense of humor? (Laughing stock!) What do you call a cow that plays a musical instrument? (A Moo-sician!) Knock Knock! Who's there? Cowsgo Cowsgo who? No they don't, cows-go moo. Knock Knock! Who's there? Interrupting cow Interrupting cow wh... Moo!

Deer Jokes:

Why do male deer need braces? (Because they have buck teeth!) What do you get if you cross Bambi with a ghost? (Bamboo!)

What do you call a deer with no eyes? (No idea!) What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? (Still no idea!)

Dinosaur Jokes:

What does a triceratops sit on? (Its tricera-bottom!) What do you call a sleeping dinosaur? (A dino-snore!) Why did the Archaeopteryx catch the worm? (Because it was an early bird!) What was T. rex's favorite number? (Eight!) Why did the dinosaur get in the bed? (Because he was tired!) Why did the dinosaur cross the road? (It was the chicken's day off!) Receptionist: Doctor, there's an invisible dinosaur in the waiting room. Doctor: Tell her I can't see her! What do you call a fossil that doesn't ever want to work? (Lazy bones!) What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars? (Tyrannosaurus wrecks!) What did the dinosaur say after the car crash? (I'm-so-saurus!) What do you call it when a dinosaur makes a goal with a soccer ball? (A dino-score!) What do you call a plated dinosaur when he is asleep? (Stegosnorus!) What do you call a tyrannosaurus that talks and talks and talks? (A dinobore!) What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes? (Do-ya-think-he-saw-us!) What's the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur? (Long distance!) Why are there old dinosaur bones in the museum? (Because they can't afford new ones!) What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur? (Hello, hello!) Is it true that a dinosaur won't attack if you hold a tree branch? (That depends on how fast you carry it!) Bob: I wish I had enough money to buy a dinosaur. Donald: What would you do with a dinosaur? Bob: Who wants a dinosaur? I just want the money! Sue: I lost my pet dinosaur . Jake: Why don't you put an ad in the newspaper? Sue: What good would that do, she can't read! What did the Tyrannosaurus rex get after mopping the floor? (Dino-sore!) Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? (Because they wouldn't take a bath!) Why did the dinosaur cross the road? (The chicken hadn't evolved yet!) What makes more noise than a dinosaur? (Two dinosaurs!) What do you call a Stegosaurus with carrots in its ears? (Anything you want, it can't hear you!) What's better than a talking dinosaur? (A spelling bee!) What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? (Try-Try-Try-ceratops!) What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? (Tyrannosaurus wrecks!) Which dinosaur slept all day? (The dino-snore!) What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots? (Tyrannosaurus tex!) What kind of dinosaur can you ride in a rodeo? (A Bronco-saurus!) What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with fireworks? (Dino-mite!) When can three giant dinosaurs get under one umbrella and not get wet? (When it's not raining!) Which type of dinosaur could jump higher than a house? (Any kind! A house can't jump!) What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth? (A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!) What do you do if you find a blue Ichthyosaur? (Cheer him up!) Why don't dinosaurs ever forget? (Because no one ever tells them anything!) What does a giant Tyrannosaurus eat? (Anything she wants!) What's the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus? (The strawberry is red!) Why did the dinosaur paint her toenails red? (So she could hide in the strawberry patch!) What do you get when a dinosaur walks through the strawberry patch? (Strawberry jam!) Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? (Exactly the same as short dinosaurs!)

What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed? (Find somewhere else to sleep!) Did the dinosaur take a bath? (Why, is there one missing?!) How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? (Down in the mouth!) What do you need to know to teach a dinosaur tricks? (More than the dinosaur!) Where was the dinosaur when the sun went down? (In the dark!) Why didn't the dinosaur cross the road? (There weren't any roads then!) What is in the middle of dinosaurs? (The letter "s"!) Where do dinosaurs get their mail? (At the dead-letter office!) What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing? (Her shadow!) What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes? (Out of the way!) How do you know if there's a dinosaur in your refrigerator? (Look for footprints in the pizza!) What happened when the dinosaur took the train home? (She had to bring it back!) Mitchell: Why did the Triceratops cross the road? Robert: He didn't, the chicken crossed the road. Mitchell: Well, why did the chicken cross the road? Robert: To get away from the Triceratops! How do you know if there's a dinosaur under your bed? (Your nose hits the ceiling!) Why was the dinosaur afraid of the ocean? (Because there was something fishy about it!) What do you call a dinosaur with one leg? (Eileen!) Mother: Why are you crying? Daughter: Because I wanted to get a dinosaur for my baby brother. Mother: That's no reason to cry. Daughter: Yes it is! No one would trade me! What was the scariest prehistoric animal? (The Terror-dactyl!) What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? (A Stegosaurus on roller skates!) What do you call it when a dinosaur slides in to home plate? (A dinoscore!) What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo? (A Tricera-hops!) What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur? (Jurassic Pork!) What family does T. rex belong to? (I don't think any families in our neighborhood have one!) What made the dinosaur's car stop? (A flat Tire-annosaurus!) What do you call a dinosaur that left its armor out in the rain? (A Stegosau-rust!) What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? (A dino-saw!) Who makes the best prehistoric reptile clothes? (A dino-sewer!) Which dinosaurs were the best policemen? (Tricera-cops!) What do you call a dinosaur who is elected to Congress? (Rep. Tile!) Where do prehistoric reptiles like to go on vacation? (To the dino-shore!) Where did Velociraptor buy things? (At a dino-store!) How do dinosaurs pay their bills? (With Tyrannosaurus checks!) Why did the Apatosaurus devour the factory? (Because she was a plant eater!) What is an Iguanodon's favorite playground toy? (A dino-see-saur!) What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? (A Diplodocus with a sore throat!) How much fur can you get from a dinosaur? (As fur as you can get!) Why do dinosaurs eat raw meat? (Because they don't know how to cook!) What did dinosaurs have that no others animals ever had? (Baby dinosaurs!) How many dinosaurs can fit in an empty box? (One. After that, the box isn't empty anymore!) How can you tell if there's a dinosaur in the refrigerator? (The door won't close!) How do you make a dinosaur float? (Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer and add one dinosaur!)

Dog Jokes:

What do you get when you cross a Rottweiler and a collie? (A dog who bites you, and then goes for help!) What animal keeps the best time? (A watch dog!) When is a dog not a dog? (When it is pure bred/bread!) Why don't dogs make good dancers? (Because they have two left feet!) What dog loves to take bubble baths? (A shampoodle!) What type of markets do dogs avoid? (Flea markets!) Why don't blind people like to sky dive? (Because it scares their guide dog!) Why did the dachshund bite the woman's ankle? (Because he couldn't reach any higher!) Why did the snowman call his dog "Frost"? (Because Frost-bites!) Why do you need a license for a dog and not for a cat? (Cats can't drive!) What do you call a nutty dog in Australia? (A dingo-ling!) How do you catch a runaway dog? (Make a noise like a bone!) When is a black dog not a black dog? (When it's a greyhound!) What do you call young dogs who play in the snow? (Slush puppies!) Why do dogs run in circles? (Because it's too hard to run in squares!) What do you get if you cross a Beatle and an Australian dog? (Dingo Starr!) Why do you get if you cross a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier? (A hot-diggity-dog!) What do you call a black Alaskan dog? (A dusky husky!) What do you call a great dog detective? (Sherlock Bones!) Why is a tree like a big dog? (They both have lot of bark!) What are caterpillars afraid of? (Doger-pillars!) Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. How do fleas travel from place to place? (By itch-hiking?)

What happens when it rains cats and dogs? (You might step in a poodle!) What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper? (Ruff!) What did one flea say to the other? (Should we walk or take a dog?) What do you call a dog that is left handed? (A south paw!) What's worse than raining cats and dogs? (Hailing taxis!) What do you get if you cross a dog and an airplane? (A jet setter!) What do dogs have that no other animals have? (Puppies!) Where do Eskimos train their dogs? (In the mush room!) What breed of dog does Dracula have? (A bloodhound!) What makes more noise than a dog barking outside your window? (Two dogs barking outside your window!) What do you call a happy Lassie? (A jolly collie!) What kind of dog likes to smell flowers? (A bud hound) What do you call a dog with no legs? (It doesn't matter what you call him, he still won't come!) What do you get if you cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle and a rooster? (Cockerpoodledoo!) What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog? (A croaker spaniel!) How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a monster? (Terrier-fied!) When does a dog go "moo"? (When it is learning a new language!) What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly? (It barked with de-light!) What do dogs eat at the movies? (Pup-corn!) What is a dog's favorite dessert? (Pup-cakes!) Is it raining cats and dogs? (It's okay, as long as it doesn't rein-deer!) Did you hear about the dog that gave birth to puppies at the side of the road? (She got a ticket for littering!) In the winter my dog wears his coat. In the summer he wears his coat and pants!

Duck Jokes:

What does a duck like to eat with soup? (Quackers!) What geometric figure is like a lost parrot? (A polygon!) What happens when a duck flies upside down? (It quacks up!) What did the duck say after he went shopping? (Put it on my bill!) What do you call a crate of ducks? (A box of quackers!) What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks? (Foul weather!)

How do you get down off an elephant? (You don't, you get down off a duck!) When a duck has no money, what does it tell the waiter? (Put it on my bill!) Which animal grows down? (A duck!) What's the difference between a duck with one wing and a duck with two wings? (Why, that's a difference of a pinion!) Who stole the soap? (The robber ducky!) What do ducks watch on TV? (Duckumentaries!) Chickens rise when the rooster crows, but when do ducks get up? (At the quack of dawn!)

Egg Jokes:

What does a mixed-up hen lay? (Scrambled eggs!) What does an evil hen lay? (Deviled eggs!) Where do tough chickens come from? (Hard-boiled eggs!) What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? (An eggroll!) A rooster laid an egg on a barn roof. Which way would it roll? (Roosters don't lay eggs, hens do!)

Why do hens lay eggs? (If they dropped them, they'd break!) Did you hear the joke about the broken egg? (Yes, it cracked me up!) Where do you get frogs' eggs? (At the spawn shop!) Silly girl: Why does your son say, "Cluck, cluck, cluck"? Mrs. Poulet: Because he thinks he's a chicken. Silly girl: Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken? Mrs. Poulet: Because we need the eggs.

Elephant Jokes:

How do elephants talk to each other long distance? (On the elephone!) What do you do when you find a blue elephant? (Cheer her up!) What time is it when you find an elephant in your car? (Time to get a new car!) How do you know if there's an elephant under your bed? (Your head hits the ceiling!) What time is it when 10 elephants are chasing you? (Ten to one!) How do you stop an elephant from charging? (Take away her credit card!) What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? (Swimming trunks!) What's an elephant's favorite vegetable? (Squash!) Why are elephants so poor? (Because they work for peanuts!) What is the biggest ant in the world? (An elephant!) What does a doctor give an elephant who's going to be sick? (Plenty of room!) What's big and grey and protects you from the rain? (An umbrellaphant!) What do you do with a green elephant? (Wait till it ripens!)

How do you get down off an elephant? (You don't, you get down off a duck!) What game do you NOT want to play with an elephant? (Squash!) What do you do when you see an elephant with a basketball? (You get out of the way!) How do you know if there is a elephant in your refrigerator? (The door won't shut!) How do you know if there's a elephant in your refrigerator? (Look for footprints in the pizza!) How do you raise a baby elephant? (With a fork lift!) Why are elephants so wrinkled? (They take too long to iron!) What is gray and blue and very big? (An elephant holding it's breath!) What time is it when an elephant sits on your watch? (Time to get a new watch!) Why did the elephant wear green sneakers? (Her red ones were in the wash!) What happened to the elephant who ran away with the circus? (The police made him bring it back!) Why do you call an elephant in a phone booth? (Stuck!)

Fish and Other Ocean Animal Jokes:

What's the difference between a piano and a fish? (You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish!) What do you get when you cross a shark and a snowman? (Frostbite!) What did the fish say when he swam into the concrete wall? (Dam!) Which part of a fish weighs the most? (The scales!) What's the most musical part of a fish? (The scales!) Which fish is the most famous? (The star fish!) How do you confuse a fish? (Put it in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner!) Where do fish keep their money? (In a river-bank!) Why did the shark spit out the clown? (Because he tasted funny!)

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing? What do you call a fish without an eye? (fsh!) How do oysters call their friends? (On shell phones!) Why don't oysters share their pearls? (Because they're shellfish!) What do you get when you cross an octopus and a cow? (An animal that can milk itself!) What's that gooey stuff in between a shark's teeth? (Slow swimmers!) What is the strongest creature in the sea? (A mussel!) Where do fish sleep? (On a seabed!) What do fish and maps have in common? (They both have scales!)

Frog Jokes:

What happens when a frog parks in a no-parking space? (It gets toad away!) What is a frog's favorite exercise? (Jumping Jacks!) What do you get when you cross a frog and a bunny? (A ribbit!) Why are frogs so happy? (Because they eat what bugs them!) What did one frog say to the other? (Time's sure fun when you're having flies!) What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog? (A croaker spaniel!) Where do frogs leave their hats and coats? (In the croakroom!) What do you call a frog with no hind legs? (Unhoppy!) What do frogs wear on their feet? (Open toad shoes!) Why do frogs like St. Patrick's Day? (Because they're already wearing green!) When is a car like a frog? (When it's being toad!) What do you say if you meet a toad? (Wart's new!) Where do you get frogs' eggs? (At the spawn shop!) What do you say to a frog who needs a ride? (Hop in!) What does a frog say when it washes a window? (Rub it, rub it, rub it!) What do you get when you cross a frog and a popsicle? (A hopsicle!)

Why couldn't the snake talk? (It had a frog in his throat!) What is a frog's favorite year? (Leap year!) What is a frog's favorite game? (Leapfrog!) What is a frog's favorite game? (Croak-et!) What is a frog's favorite flower? (Croak-us!) What is a frog's favorite cold drink? (Croak-a-cola!) What is a frog's favorite hot drink? (Hot croak-o!) What is a frog's favorite music? (Hip hop!) How did the toad die? (It croaked!) How did the toad die? (It Kermited suicide!) How deep is a frog pond? (Kneedeep, kneedeep!) What's the world's weakest animal? (A toad, she croaks if you even touch her!) Why do frogs have webbed feet? (To stamp out forest fires!) What do you call a girl with a frog in her hair? (Lily!) What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak? (Morse toad!) How does a frog feel when he has a broken leg? (A Unhoppy!)

Horse Jokes:

What type of horses only go out at night? (Nightmares!) What did the pony say when it had a sore throat? (I'm a little hoarse!) Why did the boy stand behind the horse? (He thought he might get a kick out of it!) How long should a racehorse's legs be? (Long enough to reach the ground!) What type of horse can jump higher than a house? (All of them. Houses can't jump!) What do you give a sick horse? (Cough stirrup!)

Why did the farmer ride his horse to town? (It was too heavy to carry!) When does a horse talk? (Whinny wants to!) What's the difference between a horse and the weather? (One is reined up and the other rains down!) What sickness do horses hate the most? (Hay fever!) What do you call a horse that lives next door? (A neigh-bor!) What does it mean if you find a horseshoe in the road? (Some poor horse is walking around in his socks!) Patient: Doctor, I feel like a pony! Doctor: Don't worry, you're just a little hoarse!

Monkey and Gorilla Jokes:

What kind of a key opens a banana? (A monkey!) Why did the monkey like the banana? (Because it had appeal!) What did the banana say to the monkey? (Nothing, bananas can't talk!) What do monkeys do for laughs? (They tell jokes about people!) What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear? (Anything you want, it can't hear you!) What did the monkey say when he cut off his tail? (It won't be long now.) Where should a monkey go when he loses his tail? (To a retailer!) Why don't monkeys play cards in the jungle? (There are too many cheetahs there!)

Why did the giant ape climbe up the side of the skyscraper? (The elevator was broken!) Where do chimps get their gossip? (On the ape vine!) What key won't open any door? (A monkey!) How do you catch a monkey? (Climb a tree and act like a banana!) How do monkeys get down the stairs? (They slide down the banana-ster!) Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit? (Anywhere it wants!) What do you call a 2,000 pound gorilla? (Sir!) Jake: I taught my monkey to play chess. Amy: She must be very smart. Jake: Not really, I beat her two games out of three!

Mouse Jokes:

What's gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves? (Stalagmice!) What does a twenty-pound mouse say to a cat? (Here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty!) What has 12 legs, six eyes, three tails, and can't see? (Three blind mice!) What did the cat have for breakfast? (Mice Crispies!)

What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak? (Mouse code!) What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? (A mouse sandwich!) When is it very bad luck to see a black cat? (When you're a mouse!) Where do hamsters come from? (Hamsterdam!)

Owl Jokes:

Someone said you sounded like an owl. (Who?) What do you call an owl with a deep voice? (A growl) Why did the owl say, "Tweet, tweet"? (Because she didn't give a hoot!)

What is a baby owl after she's 6 days old? (Seven days old) What is an owl's favorite subject? (Owl-gebra!) Knock, Knock! Who's there? Who. Who who? Are you an owl?

Parrot Jokes:

What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark? (A bird that talks your ear off!) What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? (A carrot!)

Which side of a parrot has the prettiest feathers? (The outside!) What's orange and sounds like a parrot? (A carrot!) What do you get if you cross a centipede and a parrot? (A walkie-talkie!)

Penguin Jokes:

Where do penguins go to dance? (The snow ball!) Where does a penguin keep its money? (In a snow bank!) Why did the penguin cross the road? (To go with the floe!) Where do penguins go to the movies? (At the dive-in!) What's a penguin's favorite salad? (Iceberg lettuce!) What do penguins have for lunch? (Icebergers!) How does a penguin make pancakes? (With its flippers!) Who's the penguin's favorite Aunt? (Aunt-Arctica!) What do you get when you cross a penguin and an alligator? (I don't know, but don't try to fix its bow tie!) Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks? (Because they don't have any pockets!) What do penguins sing at a birthday party? (Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow!)

What do penguins wear on their heads? (Ice caps!) What's black and white, black and white, and black and white? (A penguin rolling down a hill!) Why are penguins good race drivers? (Because they're always in the pole position!) What do penguins eat for lunch? (Ice burg-ers!) How does a penguin build its house? (Igloos it together!) How do penguins drink? (Out of beak-ers!) Who's the head of the penguin navy? (Admiral Byrd!) What do you call fifty penguins at the North Pole? (Really lost, because penguins live in the Southern Hemisphere!) Which side of a penguin has the most feathers? (The outside!) What's black, white and red all over? (A penguin with a sunburn!) Why don't you see penguins in Britain? (Because they're afraid of Wales!)

Pig Jokes:

Why did the pig become an actor? (Because he was a ham.) What kind of pigs know karate? (Pork chops!) What kind of ties do pigs wear? (Pigs-ties!) What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig? (A teddy boar!)

Why did the pig take a bath? (The farmer said, "Hogwash"!) What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with a pig? (Jurassic Pork) What do you give a sick pig? (Oink-ment!)

Rabbit Jokes:

What do you get when you cross a frog and a bunny? (A ribbit!) Why was the rabbit so upset? (She was having a bad hare day!) What do you call a dumb bunny? (A hare brain!) How can you tell which are the oldest rabbits? (Just look for the gray hares!) What kind of book does a rabbit like to read? (One with a hoppy ending!)

What do you call a rabbit comedian? (A funny bunny!) What's the best way to catch a unique rabbit? (Unique up on it!) How do you catch a tame rabbit? (Tame way, unique up on it!) What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards? (A receding hareline!)

Snake Jokes:

What is snake's favorite subject? (Hiss-tory!) What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? (A pie-thon!) What snakes are good at doing sums? (Adders!) Why are snakes hard to fool? (You can't pull their leg!) What snakes are found on cars? (Windshield vipers!) What are a snake's favorite magic spells? (Abra-da-cobra and adder-ca-dabra!) Why did the viper viper nose? (Because she adder handkerchief!) What's long, green and goes "hith"? (A snake with a lisp!)

What is a snake's favorite dance? (The mamba!) Why couldn't the snake talk? (It had a frog in his throat!) Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland? (He couldn't afford plane fare!) What do you call a snake with a great personality? (A snake charmer!) What do most people do when they see a python? (They re-coil!) What do you get if you cross a serpent and a trumpet? (A snake in the brass!) What do you give a sick snake? (Asp-irin!) What do you call a snake who works for the government? (A civil serpent!)

Turkey Jokes:

What key won't open any door? (A turkey!) Why did the turkey cross the road? (It was the chicken's day off!) Why did the chewing gum cross the road? (It was stuck on the turkey's foot!) Why did the turkey cross the road twice? (To prove he wasn't chicken!) What do you get when a turkey lays an egg on top of a barn? (An eggroll!) Where do you find a turkey with no legs? (Exactly where you left it!) What do you call it when it rains turkeys? (Foul weather!) Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk? (To hatchet!)

Why did the police arrest the turkey? (They suspected it of fowl play!) Which side of a turkey has the most feathers? (The outside!) Why do turkeys lay eggs? (If they dropped them, they'd break!) What's the most musical part of a turkey? (The drumstick!) If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where does turkey come from? (A poul-tree!) Daughter: Mum, can I have a canary for Christmas? Mum: NO! You'll have turkey like everyone else. What happened when the turkey got into a fight? (He got the stuffing knocked out of him!) What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? (The turkey!)

Miscellaneous Animal Jokes:

What do you call a camel with no humps? (Hump-free/Humphrey!) What do you call a crying Camel? (A humpback wail!) What did the buffalo say to his son when he went away on a trip? (Bi-son!) What is a sheep's favorite game? (Baa-dminton!) What animal is best at baseball? (A bat!) Which circus performers can see in the dark? (The acro-bats!) Why don't anteaters ever get sick? (Because they're full of ant-ibodies!) Why don't bats live alone? (They like to hang out with their friends!) What animals are on legal documents? (Seals!) How do you close a letter under the sea? (With a seal!) What's a good job for an octopus? (The army!)

How do two snails fight? (They slug it out!) What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? (Finding half a worm in your apple!) Where did the turtle get a new shell? (From the hard-wear store!) How many skunks does it take to stink up a house? (A phew!) What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the courtroom? (Odor in the court!) If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make? (Slippers!) What do you call an alligator detective? (An investi-gator!) Where do hamsters come from? (Hamsterdam!) What is out of bounds? (A tired kangaroo!) What animal is good at cricket? (A bat!) Why do dragons sleep during the day? (So they can fight knights!)